Vegas Monsoon is loading...

Vegas Monsoon

We have wormsign the likes of which god has never seen

The Tiny Chef

The four year old asked me if he could eat the fresh cranberries in the kitchen. I said no, they’re too sour plain and I am making them into cranberry sauce. He thinks for a moment and with a contemplative air states that cranberry sauce is a little sweet and sour. After what I presume was a pause for dramatic effect and a look of epiphany he says, “These would be good in barbecue sauce.”

I see the invention of cranberry barbecue sauce in our near future.

I tell my son he has to wait when he asks for the thousandth time if we’re going to California yet.

He leaves and returns moments later staggering under the weight of a dumbbell and drops it near my feet saying “Here”.

Can’t decide if he just reached smartass level: infinite or he’s really, really literal.

We have a weird doorway that serves no purpose. Mostly I just dangle children from it. Yes, there’s a hole above it. And it appears to be pieced together of random bits. I don’t know if this was half finished or some sad, halfhearted attempt at adding achitectural interest. 
Oh, and my son is a super hero. 

Olympus SZ-10  | f/3.1  | 1/30th  | 5mm

We have a weird doorway that serves no purpose. Mostly I just dangle children from it. Yes, there’s a hole above it. And it appears to be pieced together of random bits. I don’t know if this was half finished or some sad, halfhearted attempt at adding achitectural interest. 

Oh, and my son is a super hero. 

The tiny anarchist

That’s anarchist. Not antichrist. Not completely convinced on the latter just yet. I suspect possession by Loki is more likely, anyway. 

My son, indeed both my kids, seem to crave disorder and mayhem. It’s as though they are studying the large humans for the reactions they manage to elicit. After creating utter chaos in some way you will catch them, head cocked, evaluating you.  It’s creepy. Then they continue on their way unperturbed and it’s quiet for a few minutes until the next experiment is launched.

Today Garrett brought me a packet to open for him, still not quite having the whole open-without-causing-snackalanche thing pinned down.

I handed the torn off strip back to him, asking him to bin it for me.  The internal struggle was plain on his face and a long moment passed.  He then flung it on the floor and, head cocked, intones,

"Everyone is a little bad sometimes."

Mission complete, he exited the room, leaving behind the bit of foil packet.

Unable to disagree with his estimation, I shrug and pick it up myself. 

image

Things my kids say

I’ve often thought my spawn are smarter than I am. Certainly smarter than I was at their respective ages, anyway.

It isn’t just the utter ease with which they pick up technology. Hell, I was using an Apple IIe without a mouse as a youngster. You heard me - no mouse. We had to fiddle with the bizarre wonkiness that is the early trackball device. Playing my Star Trek game required swapping out massive floppy disks that were actually floppy.

Also I had to do this while walking uphill, in the snow. Take that, you app swiping goobers. I digress.

My kids say things on the regular that manage to make me laugh when I should be in the throes of some kind if parental righteousness/outrage or whatever it is normal parents have.

Take last night. My mother, aka Gramma, was attempting to place a large air mattress in the living room while surrounded by impatient children for the impromptu slumber party that had amassed(this happens with fair frequency, there are several cousins near similar age). Gramma beseeched my daughter to settle down.

I’ve found this is rather like issuing a challenge and never has the intended effect. Unless the intention is to have her freak out and jump onto a half inflated mattress. In that case, well done. Upon recovery from the spaz attack and before reprimand my daughter says,

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I just don’t know what gets into me sometimes.”

Unable to counter this, Gramma lets it slide. Well played for a first grader.

She then insisted they all watch ‘Fantastic Mr. Fox’ while loudly extolling the virtues of same and explaining the subtleties of plot throughout. This has the expected result. Other girls silently staring at my daughter while she remains oblivious. They had wanted to watch My Little Ponies or something like that.  

The Spooky Story

My son is three. He steps into the bedroom and turns off my lamp.

"I have to tell you a spooky story," says the preschooler sotto voce.

"Once upon a time there was a monster made of cheddar. He was the cheese monster! He had big claws and a sharp, stabby penis! He stabbed little red riding hood over and over. She never got to Gramma’s house. The end."

Excellent timing and dramatic delivery, I’ll give him that much.

I cannot make this shit up, people. My kid is already creating hentai.

and on the other end of the spectrum, Caira, who will do everything but smile(even though you can tell she really wants to).  She’s 54 months old, exactly, today.  Both the runts have their birthdays on the 15th :)

Canon EOS 30D  | f/3.5  | 1/320th  | 54mm

and on the other end of the spectrum, Caira, who will do everything but smile(even though you can tell she really wants to).  She’s 54 months old, exactly, today.  Both the runts have their birthdays on the 15th :)

And this is what happens every single time I take my camera out to get product photos … he chases me saying “Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” until he gets his photo taken, too :)  Garrett is officially 16 months old today, and finally has teeth on top! 

Canon EOS 30D  | f/4  | 1/320th  | 84mm

And this is what happens every single time I take my camera out to get product photos … he chases me saying “Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” until he gets his photo taken, too :)  Garrett is officially 16 months old today, and finally has teeth on top!