You know, I don’t really blog anymore. I also don’t facebook or do much else online. The constant monitoring and commentary by my ex has made the internet a really uncomfortable place to be and frankly, I’m sick of it. I’m pissed off that I have been bullied out of here and made to feel unsafe there. What I’m realizing now is that all I’ve done is manage to ignore instead of address. While I disengaged from it, he gets to run rampant and make up whatever he likes then remain unchallenged.
I don’t like the idea of airing dirty laundry publicly, but all that has done is make all of his stories seem true. We are talking about someone that willfully, physically harmed a child and has somehow made it sound like he’s a victim and I’m the problem. I have been randomly accused of campaigning to turn my children against him, subjected to random bouts of verbal abuse about things that have never occurred. I am now dealing with arrest warrants and the courts because of his behavior and yet, he is the victim here.
I have never told my children their father is the horrible, useless waste of space he is. Not to protect him, but them. Children know that they are from both of their parents, they love them both no matter what - telling them that one is bad becomes a judgement on the child. I wont do that to them, and I never have, though I do think it is time to tell my daughter that this person that calls himself her dad is not. Maybe it would help.
That being said, my kids are far from stupid. They observe, they notice everything, they are more than capable of making evaluations and comparisons. It was utterly without my input that my four year old came to the conclusion that he had a “bad dad” and let his father know he thought so via skype. That child is surrounded by other families, he knows quite a few other dads first hand at this point in his life. I don’t blame him for being resentful of his situation and I am not going to invalidate his feelings by correcting him on them or by trying to manipulate him into thinking otherwise. He is allowed to hold his own opinions based on what he perceives in the world. Luckily he has several positive male role models in his life that will hopefully balance this out.
I have been accused over and over ‘stirring up drama’ when all I’ve done is try to forget my ex and all the mistakes associated with him ever existed. Instead, I have people contacting me out of the blue asking for character references and letting me know that, because I didn’t have enough evidence that my ex was a horrible person, he had been cheating with this guy’s wife for years. This man wanted a character reference because his now-ex wife is planning on taking their daughter to live with my ex. I told the truth. I did not embellish or lie, I did not need to. I told him exactly what had happened so he could protect his daughter. I will not vouch for a person I know to be abusive, narcissistic and irresponsible. That would make me responsible for anything that happened to that child. It was not done out of spite or malice, it was me relaying information to another concerned parent and him doing what was best for his child.
I have an ex that hit a young child in the face so hard he knocked my daughter’s tooth out, and whose immediate response was to clean up the blood and tooth to hide it, then tell the five year old it was her fault. I got to deal with the year long aftermath of her blaming herself. Perhaps the saddest part of that all was that she told me weeks later that she was sad that she hadn’t been able to give her tooth to the fairy.
I have an ex that destroyed my credit history so completely that I cannot even gain employment, get a bank account and may even go to jail because he wrote a fraudulent check drawn on our joint account, knowing full well it was fraudulent, and gave it to our landlord to ‘make her go away’. That is a felony in this state. How did I find out? I was hired for a great job, only to have this show up on the background check. I would have never known otherwise, not until I perhaps got pulled over for a tail light out while driving my kids somewhere. I could have been arrested at any time in front of my children and had them taken by CPS because of shit my ex did.
Even without all of the lying, cheating, manipulation that would take days to outline here … even without all of that just the few instances here would be enough for anyone to see what he is.
In spite of all of that I did try to keep the kids in contact with him. I have miles and miles of chat logs showing that. One of the problems when dealing with a narcissist is that they are incapable of understanding or even considering what others have to do to make things happen. I finally decided to do something with my life, went back to full time college and started dating again. When I became too busy to set the kids up on skype often, I start getting harassing messages and emails accusing me of intentionally blocking access. It isn’t like we have school and activities and an eight hour difference in time zone, right? It must have just been me being vindictive. I was completely oblivious of most of the crap he got up to, but with the full knowledge of his own behavior, he projects all of that suspicion and guilt and treats me like I must be up to all the same things because he, center of the universe, is.
At this point I really don’t want him having un-monitored contact with my children. It doesn’t feel safe because he has proven over and over that he is irresponsible, irrational and erratic. He is posting photos, the full legal names of and the place where my kids live on a public blog. That itself shows a massive lack of good judgement and a compulsion to do anything that will make him seem like a more sympathetic character.
Wish me luck, it’s going to be a long year full of judges, lawyers and courts for me so I can finally get my life back.